


Stab My Back

by dontpanicmuke



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Cashton, If you look hard enough there is muke, M/M, Muke - Freeform, bryana is only mentioned, i still don't know what i'm doing, this is also a boat load of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-14 10:21:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4560948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontpanicmuke/pseuds/dontpanicmuke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calum can't take it anymore</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stab My Back

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from the song Stab My Back by The All-American Rejects. It may or may not be revenant. You guys can decide. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Calum was always abnormally happy. It took a lot to bring him down, but as the band escalated the walls went up and his smile went away. It was difficult for him. Calum was shy and closed before the band, but he’s gained a bit of confidence since then. With Michael and Ashton’s loudness he was able to join. They sort of broke him and Luke out of their shells. Sure he used to be all smiles and happiness, but behind closed doors he was tired and quiet. Lately he’s been putting up this barrier between him and the fans. He hid this part of him in fear of being harassed and laughed at even more than he already is.

Having his every action judged was not something Calum had signed up for. He didn’t like being followed around. He didn’t like the fact that a new rumor was spread every time he went out. He wasn’t respected most of the time, and that hurt.

He and Ashton talked about it a lot. It seemed like Calum and Ashton had the most trash thrown at them no matter how nice and talented they were. Maybe people just didn’t think they were that important. It was a cycle. New city, new rumor.

Calum pushed all those comments away until the end of the day when all the boys were asleep and the sound of the bus’ engine was loud enough to drown out his quiet sobs.

This is what happens when people forget the definition of privacy and freedom. They suddenly think that because they’re famous they’re restricted and expected to do what they want. They’re expected to greet fans, sign things, and take pictures. These four boys are musicians. They should be expected to make music and play shows. That’s it. People sometimes forget because that selfie that they took was more important than getting to actually ask them a real question.

Calum’s smile has not been reaching his eyes lately. It all started with the leaked snapchat. Everything went downhill from there. People gave him a hard time. There were fans that stood up for him and he was grateful. Now that stupid post is buried deep down and nobody brought it back up again. Calum thought it was over, but people suddenly found other things to complain about.

Then the picture of him smoking got out a few months ago. People were pissed. They went on and on about how bad and unhealthy smoking is for you. Calum knew this. These so called ‘fans’ are the reason Calum started smoking. All this stress was building him up and tearing him down. He needed something. Needed another form of release that had nothing to do with music. He needing to feel alive and the cigarette between his lips did the trick. By slowly killing him.

Things stayed the same after that picture was out. It was forgotten, but people didn’t stop.

Now they’re in the states playing shows. Calum’s feeling okay so far. The shows are loud and energetic, but what get’s Calum really excited is his bass solo. Where he stands at the end of the catwalk and all the spotlights are on him. It feels amazing having people actually listen to him play.

But then they don’t listen.

Calum tried really hard to get them to quiet down, but they wouldn’t stop screaming to get his attention. Calum’s happiness drained and he was met with a pang of hurt in his chest. He felt like they didn’t really care what he did. They just wanted him to notice them. They really didn’t care if he was talented enough. They just saw him as another pretty face. And Calum’s walls slowly crumbled taking him with them under the mess of rubble.

* * *

Now Calum was guarded. He had to rebuild the walls back up himself. He and Ashton’s late night chats became less frequent because Ashton had gotten himself a girlfriend. Was he jealous? Very. Ashton seems to may have forgotten the ‘don’t abandon your friends’ rule. It was partially Calum’s fault as well. Whenever Ashton tried to talk to him he would just shut down and push him away.

Calum was having a hard time with the whole Ashton getting a girlfriend thing. He started to see things that he hadn’t noticed before. Things that make his stomach flip. Like the way his hair looked amazing no matter how messy it was, or the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, or the way his muscles flexed when he played the drums. Calum had to look away before a problem became visible down there.

It was the night after their Louisville show. Calum was exhausted and couldn’t wait to get on the bus. It was one of those nights where he was just tired of everything. They happened every once in a while. He was grumpy to everyone. He barely ate anything and didn’t get enough sleep the night before. At times like these Calum wished he could just go to bed and wake somewhere else. Somewhere away from the boys and screaming fans. Somewhere where he could just sleep off his insecurities and stress.

Sadly that wasn’t the case. There was a new picture going around. It was of Calum and some half naked girl. It was photo shopped, but the fans didn’t know that. Now Calum was getting a series of rude tweets and a few death threats that he only saw when the situation was that bad.

It was sick and tiring. They just never got bored. They always come up with the same thing over and over again. It’s a form of harassment and some people should have their ‘post’ button disabled. What did anybody get out of this? What is it that you get out of hurting someone else feelings because you don’t like them? Do people hate Calum that much? It’s like people don’t learn from past mistakes. How many other celebrities went crazy because they couldn’t take comments like these. It’s not a smart thing to do. You cost people sleep, self esteem, and sometimes even their own lives.

Calum knew better than to let them get to his head, but sometimes he would break and there would be no one there to hold him. Ashton was really good at that. He would hold Calum tightly and whisper sweet nothings in his ear. They were there for each other. Now Calum’s made a mistake and the spot next to him is empty. The bunk was small, but they always made room. Ashton spent his nights in Calum’s bunk for often than not.

It made Calum feel important. That there was someone the cared about him enough to mess up their sleeping schedule just so he wouldn’t feel so alone. Calum loved that about Ashton. He loved that he could make him feel better with just a hug. Ashton had a way of making the younger boy feel special. After he stopped Calum stopped looking at himself at the mirror as best he could because he would cringe at his appearance. Calum stopped going out with the boys and did it often on his own. When Ashton stopped helping him every bit of the younger boys self-confidence went out the door. Ashton had a quality Calum needed.

He cared.

That’s why he climbed out of his own bunk and pulled open Calum’s curtain. The older boy was heartbroken by the sight he saw. Calum’s eyes were red rimmed and his cheeks were stained a dark pink. His heart thudded loudly against his chest every time the younger boy’s chest would heave in a choked sob. He gasped in surprise when Ashton pulled the curtain and hid himself behind his hands. Like it was enough to hide waves of sadness that radiated off of him. His eyes held sorrow and all the bottled up misery he had been holding for the past months released in forms of tears and whimpers.

He turned away from the boy kneeling at his bunk and stuffed his face in the pillows. It’s been more than half a year that Ashton has seen Calum in this state. He knew what the boy was going through, but he thought Calum was okay since he refused to talk to Ashton. Now he knew that he was not and he’s not going to leave until Calum feels better.

“Calum?” Ashton softly whispered which there was no point for since Michael and Luke were probably cuddled up in Luke’s bunk because Michael got cold at night.

Calum didn’t respond. He tried to even out his breath which only resulted in shallow gasps.

“Cal are you okay?” it was a stupid question, but Ashton had nothing better to say. Calum let out a long sigh like he was contemplating on answering.

“No.” was all he said. It was enough to make Ashton crawl in there with him. He complied by scooting over the far side of the bunk.

“Come here, Cal,” Ashton said and he obeyed a split second after. Tucking his head under the Ashton’s scruffy chin and wrapping his arms around his waist. Calum’s breathing got a little quicker and a few more tears slipped out, but he was able to control his sobs after a few minutes.

“Want to tell me what’s wrong?”

Calum let out a long sigh and responded, “I’m weak and pathetic.”

“Cal, don’t say that,” Ashton said shaking his head and tightening his arms around the broken boy.

Ashton felt guilty for not being there. He should’ve insisted when Calum refused to talk to him. Now here he was holding a crying Calum who was dealing with everything on his own. He shouldn’t have had to. Ashton was so caught up with Bryana and the shows and new cities that he forgot the most important thing. His best friend. His best friend that probably feels like shit. Ashton knows about all the things that have been posted on twitter. He should’ve been there when Calum didn’t laugh at his jokes as much as he used to. He should’ve been there when Calum stopped hanging around him. It was his entire fault Cal was feeling like this.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been there Cal. We used to have these talks and then I suddenly stopped coming in here with you. My head was a mess at the time, and I know that’s a lame excuse, but you can blame me all you want. I’m sorry.” Ashton whispered softly into Calum’s ear. By now he had gained back control of his breathing.

Calum sniffled and detached himself from Ashton, “It’s not your fault. Maybe you did stop, but when you tried to come back I wouldn’t let you. I just thought that I was being annoying and over dramatic.” He said wiping the left over tears with the hem of his shirt.

“Calum, you’ve been crying. Of course it’s not over dramatic or annoying. Something’s bothering you and I wasn’t there to comfort you. You didn’t let me, but I should’ve insisted. Please, tell me what’s wrong.” Ashton said moving Calum’s hair out of his face.

Calum hesitated at first, then gave in, “I miss my privacy. I can’t go anywhere without being followed by fans, there’s stuff that’s been going around, people hate the choices I’m making, and this picture someone posted. I don’t even know how to explain that one to you.”  
Calum said softly trying really hard not the burst out crying again.

“The one with the half naked girl?” Ashton asked trying to clarify.

Calum nodded, “That isn’t even me, Ash. Someone made it with intentions to hurt me. I don’t know why! It feels like that’s what everybody’s intentions are these days. I thought I was just the lame bass player, but now I’m the bad guy. I haven’t done anything bad, Ash, I haven’t”

He was rambling and Ashton let him. Sometimes Calum just had to let it all out. Ashton knew this. Especially since he hasn’t had anyone to talk to. The guilt came back and the only thing Ashton could do was hold him while he broke.

“Calum?” Ashton said once he was done, “It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel the way you do. I know it’s unfair to you. Hell, it’s unfair to all of us. I hate seeing you like this. I wish I could punch everyone who made you sad. Don’t listen to the bullshit people say. They’re gonna say what they wanna say. You have to believe me when I tell you this,” Ashton cupped Calum’s face in his soft, large hands, “You’re beautiful, you’re talented, and you are important. You may not think you are, but everyone goes through rough patches. What separates you and the others is the fact that you were strong enough to push through. You’re still here. You made it, Cal. No matter what those people say. You made it.”

Calum was crying by the time he had finished. He searched for honesty in Ashton’s eyes and that was all he found. The way he was holding his face let him know that he really did care. It’s all Calum had been looking for, someone to care. It was the best feeling in the world knowing that there would be someone there to pick you up when you feel down. Knowing that there would be someone to hold you when you shattered. He was laying beside him ready for whatever came next.

Then Calum messed up.

He leaned in and pressed his lips against Ashton’s. He really couldn’t help it. They were so close and Ashton’s lips were right there. It felt like a way to pay him back for all that he’d done, but he chose the wrong gift.

It only lasted for a brief second before Calum pulled away and pressed his back against the wall leaning as far away from Ashton as he could. Calum’s face held a horrified expression, he was covering his mouth and the only thing that was going through his head was, ‘I fucked up! I fucked up! I fucked up!’

“Cal-” Ashton began, but Calum cut him off.

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry! God, I ruin everything! I’m so sorry!” Panic was starting to settle in the pit of his stomach and he started crying again.

“Calum-”

“I’m such a fuck up! I don’t know why I did that! I don’t know if I’m even gay! I mean I’ve thought about it a lot, but haven’t really paid any attention to it. I’m sorry! That was really rude. Dammit! It’s okay if you want to leave.”

“Calum-”

“And you have a girlfriend! How could I violate a relationship like that! I didn’t even ask if I could kiss you! Gosh, I messed up big time. Forget what I said, please forgive me I need you. Please, please please don’t leave.” Now he was sobbing and breathing heavily.

“Cal-” 

“Ash I don’t want this to go back to the way it has been for months! I need you here! You’re the only one I can talk to about this! You’re the only one who knows about this mess inside my head! Please forgive me, please, please, please.

Ashton gave up on trying to interrupt him, instead he grabbed his hips and pulled the younger boy towards him then threw a leg over his body so he was straddling his waist.

“Calum!” Ashton whispered loudly, “I never told you that I had a girlfriend.”

Calum immediately stopped muttering under his breath and stared up into Ashton’s hazel eyes with his own red rimmed brown ones, “What?”

Ashton chuckled and leaned down crashing their lips together again. They collided a little bit rougher this time, but both boys were kissing back with all the energy they had left in them. Calum’s lips were slightly chapped and wet from the tears, but they fit perfectly against Ashton’s thin, full lips. They kissed slowly and passionately for a few minutes before Calum bursted out crying again. 

Ashton quickly pulled away and asked him worriedly, “Cal, what’s wrong? Did I do something?”

Calum just shook his head, “I don’t know why I’m crying, but don’t stop.” Calum said with a smile even though there were still tears spilling out of his eyes. Ashton giggled and did as told. 

And that’s how they spent the rest of their night. Wrapped up in each other’s arms and making out. Ashton later told Calum that he loved him and explained that him and Bryana were just friends. Calum was finally happy again.

**Author's Note:**

> Wohoo!! 2 fics finished. I can't believe this. I'll post more muke soon.
> 
> By the way I have nothing against Bryana. I think they're a cute couple, but I ship Cashton.


End file.
